I Loved Too Hard... (Poetry by Kandayia Ali; Fine Art by: Mikael Litsegård)

Sitting in the car, waiting to see you. Anxiety grows as I envision your smile. We haven't seen each other in a while. Time has passed, but love still holds me connected to you. Years of challenges and temptation- but my heart has always stayed true...

Aching to run towards you, too cool to show that I have no self control when it comes to my hunger. Unraveling emotions as the moment draws near.

I see YOU... You... The you that not just a portion, but every piece of me belongs to...

I can taste your lips before our long awaited kiss. Every breath in between expresses that even though time has been missed- our hearts will remain unchanged. With arms wrapped tight- you make up for every sleepless night spent without your body next to mine. I can remember being frustrated at times, but it all worked out just fine. In one hand you held flowers, in the other, my heart. No matter how imperfect you had claimed to be - I was always willing to give you the best of me as a strong counterpart.

It's a blur now...

I can't recall the last time we talked, but when we did- it was along the lines of me bringing our love affair to a screeching halt. I said things that I MEANT to say- you didn't say much. I was starved of your presence and tired of not feeling your touch. Tired of hearing from you on a seldom basis- sometimes not at all; tired of not seeing your beautiful face. Damn, how I would wish you'd call. I got tired of feeling like I wasn't enough, because of you saying that I wasn't the one for you. I loved too hard. So many times we had walked out on each other but came right back because we knew we weren't quite through.

Gaining your love sometimes to me- felt like I was losing my mind. I was steadfast and went out of my way to earn it over time. Keeping your love in spite of everything we've been through- even moments when you were unkind, were the toughest for me. Many times you said "I understand it now", but your actions spoke contractually. I wanted you to see that I was willing to hold you down- loved you for who you were- unconditionally- but the let downs became too much to bare. I wanted with every fiber of my being to hear you say that you wanted me in your life and actually cared. I never got  that- it was like you wanted me to let go. I felt powerless at the time- because you're silence confirmed the fate of us. I needed to hear you say you loved me and that you'd be home soon. You never parted your lips- letting me know that it was the end. Out of desperation- I lied to you when I said that I never wanted to see you again.

I was pissed at you... You let me walk away. The time came for me to face the fact that the reason why you had nothing say-- was because we had nothing left.  I was talking in circles and wasting my breath. It seemed so easy for you to part ways with me. I didn't want to let go, but you needed to be free.

I never started the car; never left the driveway... I just sat there, with the words of this poem playing through my mind damn near all day.

My apologies the myself and you have been silenced and I did what I needed to do. I have forgiven myself for hurting ME, and I hope you'll someday forgive me too.

I loved too hard... Loved to the point of manic. Beyond and above average- crazy for YOU. It wasn't easy for me, but I've decided to set you free. I held on to the thoughts of loving you for so long. I didn't want to face the fact that you were right; it was just not meant to be. 

JENDAYI...

I wish you well with your endeavors and finding someone new. I've made my choice to move on, press forward, see things through. I will continue to love as hard as I do- to the one designed for me.... I will let go the first time he declares to undeserving of love from me. I will wish the same fate of finding someone new- I WILL- make sure that with the next love of my life- I'll never hurt him, like my love- seemed to hurt you...

- Kandayia Ali @JagudEye 2015

Distant….

Distant…. 

Two souls separated by miles and miles of oceans and land. Yet, he is right here… He stands beside me- he IS me… My lover. Myself in the form of another— pardon me for being so compelled to say that he is held in the HIGHEST regards. I know for some, this may seem fairy tale-ish, but for me it isn't hard. He has made it easy to love and admire, hunger deeply for and desire- every inch of him. All real, ALL MAN, all mine. 

I never thought that I would piss off Father time, because time has stopped for us, every since his eyes met mine. Since his voice chimed in my ears; since the day we decided to never live another day without loving each other. Hell, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have someone to walk with, as we travel on a journey into an evermore that could only open doors to so much more. 

Since his presence, I have yet to have less than all of his heart; and his promise to keep mine safe from harm. His actions have spoken louder than anything since I've met him. I often wonder why the woman before me would even think of the day she’d let him… GO… Guess it was destiny; the works of The U-n-I-verse cleaning out closets to make room for me. 

Soulmates? Fate? Luck? Blessing? I would say none of the above. We are simply a coming together of a man and woman who are truly- IN LOVE….. 

© 2013  Kandayia Ali. All rights reserved.

Kandayia Ali: Pillow Soft Secrets Has Been Released!

PREFACE SNIPPET:

"I just want to be able to give someone out there a reason to pick up a talent, that special gift that was so heavenly bestowed upon them- and use it to express themselves. I want to bring hope where there wasn’t any before; share my inner self with those who can relate to my hunger for life and the importance of accepting and loving yourself. So, there you have it folks; Enjoy “Pillow Soft Secrets: A Manic Journey Through Life, Love & Lust” - my book of rebellion, ramblings, poems, short stories, metaphors, life lessons and quotes- all compiled into one production! Enjoy the roller coaster ride! Buy the book- I guarantee, that there is something for everyone in it!"

This is a book that you would want to take to bed with you every night. Mature, informative, daring, sensual, inspiring, hard hitting and REAL are just a few words  used to describe this book- on sale NOW- in  softcover and ebook format  and can be purchased on the LuLu website: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/jagudeye”

Kandayia Ali

"Pillow Soft Secrets is a series of my ramblings, conundrums, run-ons and attempts to rebel against life, only to end up accepting myself- in all my maladroitness; it depicts my being and thought process; not just the current but throughout my entire life. A lot of the titles were written a long time ago- I just felt the need to place them in this particular book. This book wasn’t made to be perfect- and is extremely grammatically ‘incorrect’ in a lot of ways. This was done on purpose. My only reason for writing the book this way was to emphasize earth born err in a world where perfection is overrated. This is my diary, my words, my thoughts, my emotions, my life, my love, my heart-- written my way- in all it’s imperfections."

Author Of “Pillow Soft Secrets: A Manic Journey Through Life, Love & Lust”.   

Self-Published Author, Journalist & Community Activist. 

Please contact author for booking, public speaking, updates & info:

PillowSoftSecrets@gmail.com | UrbanArts3000@gmail.com  

Call Us: 305-771-4779

Samples From Book:

“Some people are bold enough to do things that others will never DARE to do... Is it that their mindsets are different from the average person? Or does that mean that being "normal" is overrated-- just as it is with being "different?" Adversity is expected in this world and should be respected for it's major contribution to a wide array of hopes, dreams, goals and creations that come from the people in it.” -Kandayia Ali

Snippet From "People Say... Venting"

People say that I'm too rough around the edges- not a social butterfly. I can only say that until they have flown on the wings of an eagle to the highest points in the sky- this concept seems about right to the average human eye. Everyone won't see what I see- most can't grasp my concepts- and for this reason and its responses, I'm prepared to accept. When you have decided to use your Kingdoms to build a platform around those who are inept- you have to be the one standing firm- even when you are left standing by yourself.

People say I'm emotionless- not seeing the passion in my eyes- this smug grin on my face is just a disguise to hide the pain of being misunderstood, I feel inside. I have a lot to protect- and what I'm protecting demands my respect- so I can't allow anyone to harm the gifts I have been given.

This is what defines me- it makes me who I am, and by this hidden passion I will stand- whether anyone else wants to show what they can do with their hearts- I have to do it with both my heart and my hands. I will do this over and over- til my physical presence has ceased to exist and is again, transformed into sand.

People say so many things- so much is poisoned by opinionated- over liberated individuals who use their souls to keep confusion on a earth that is cursed to repeat a past history of destructive acts that will destroy mankind unless those who are awake- WAKE UP- no more pressing the snooze button- our world has been over-indulging in bullshit that has created a majority or mindless, polluted, moral-less gluttons. The alarms are ringing for the rise of a new world to surface and show its face-- people say this "better place" doesn't exist- it just won't be discovered by the "average" human race...

“I'm on it... My deepest apologies to those who try to stop the flow... I just wasn't made with an off switch!!!” -Kandayia Ali

"Pillow Soft Secrets: A Manic Journey Through Life, Love & Lust" by Kandayia Ali is on sale NOW- in  softcover and ebook format  and can be purchased on the LuLu website: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/jagudeye”