Jan 11, 2017
Aug 11, 2015
I Loved Too Hard... (Poetry by Kandayia Ali; Fine Art by: Mikael Litsegård)
Sitting in the car, waiting to see you. Anxiety grows as I envision your smile. We haven't seen each other in a while. Time has passed, but love still holds me connected to you. Years of challenges and temptation- but my heart has always stayed true...
Aching to run towards you, too cool to show that I have no self control when it comes to my hunger. Unraveling emotions as the moment draws near.
I see YOU... You... The you that not just a portion, but every piece of me belongs to...
I can taste your lips before our long awaited kiss. Every breath in between expresses that even though time has been missed- our hearts will remain unchanged. With arms wrapped tight- you make up for every sleepless night spent without your body next to mine. I can remember being frustrated at times, but it all worked out just fine. In one hand you held flowers, in the other, my heart. No matter how imperfect you had claimed to be - I was always willing to give you the best of me as a strong counterpart.
I can't recall the last time we talked, but when we did- it was along the lines of me bringing our love affair to a screeching halt. I said things that I MEANT to say- you didn't say much. I was starved of your presence and tired of not feeling your touch. Tired of hearing from you on a seldom basis- sometimes not at all; tired of not seeing your beautiful face. Damn, how I would wish you'd call. I got tired of feeling like I wasn't enough, because of you saying that I wasn't the one for you. I loved too hard. So many times we had walked out on each other but came right back because we knew we weren't quite through.
Gaining your love sometimes to me- felt like I was losing my mind. I was steadfast and went out of my way to earn it over time. Keeping your love in spite of everything we've been through- even moments when you were unkind, were the toughest for me. Many times you said "I understand it now", but your actions spoke contractually. I wanted you to see that I was willing to hold you down- loved you for who you were- unconditionally- but the let downs became too much to bare. I wanted with every fiber of my being to hear you say that you wanted me in your life and actually cared. I never got that- it was like you wanted me to let go. I felt powerless at the time- because you're silence confirmed the fate of us. I needed to hear you say you loved me and that you'd be home soon. You never parted your lips- letting me know that it was the end. Out of desperation- I lied to you when I said that I never wanted to see you again.
I was pissed at you... You let me walk away. The time came for me to face the fact that the reason why you had nothing say-- was because we had nothing left. I was talking in circles and wasting my breath. It seemed so easy for you to part ways with me. I didn't want to let go, but you needed to be free.
I never started the car; never left the driveway... I just sat there, with the words of this poem playing through my mind damn near all day.
My apologies the myself and you have been silenced and I did what I needed to do. I have forgiven myself for hurting ME, and I hope you'll someday forgive me too.
I loved too hard... Loved to the point of manic. Beyond and above average- crazy for YOU. It wasn't easy for me, but I've decided to set you free. I held on to the thoughts of loving you for so long. I didn't want to face the fact that you were right; it was just not meant to be.
JENDAYI...
I wish you well with your endeavors and finding someone new. I've made my choice to move on, press forward, see things through. I will continue to love as hard as I do- to the one designed for me.... I will let go the first time he declares to undeserving of love from me. I will wish the same fate of finding someone new- I WILL- make sure that with the next love of my life- I'll never hurt him, like my love- seemed to hurt you...
- Kandayia Ali @JagudEye 2015
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